A Better Way to Budget as a Couple

Whether you join everything, combine nothing, or meet somewhere in the middle, it gets complicated when multiple people make financial decisions. The fights become tense, and it can feel messy and overwhelming to sort out.

Rest assured—you’re not the only couple to fight about money.

A life together requires compromise and new ways of managing your money. Whether you have realized it yet or not, your priorities have changed. It’s no wonder there’s some friction. Most of our differences come down to two concepts: our money habits and our financial notions.

Different money habits

You and your partner have different habits about making dinner, doing laundry, and how to handle the toothpaste cap. You had to work some of those things out, figure out what was important, and identify places where you could compromise.

Money is no different.

Some habits are related directly to money.

• Do you pay your bills as you receive them or wait until the due date and get them in just in time?
• Do you always save a portion of your paychecks for retirement?
• Do you give a certain percentage of your monthly income away?

Let’s be real—some spending habits are more about how you live your life. Is Friday night always for eating out? Does your significant other wash their car twice a week? Do you have a craft brewing obsession your partner just doesn’t understand?

You’ll want to talk about these things the same way you talked about the laundry and the dishes. Talking will help you identify where you can compromise and how to support each other’s priorities.

It's also important to understand why your partner spends the way they do and how you can make that work in the context of your daily lives and shared goals. Our Spending Personality Quiz is a great way to start that conversation and can offer valuable insight on your individual money motivations (and it's fun!).

Different financial notions

Often, your notions about money are shaped by how you grew up. Did your parents or caregivers talk about money with each other? With you? Was money a stressor when you were growing up or a non-issue? These factors can play a role in how you view money and manage your personal finances. Just like your habits, you may not be able to immediately uncover all of these. Sharing what you know and being open to the rest as it comes will set you up for success.

You don’t just have different behavior when it comes to money. You also have different ideas about money.

• One of you may consider credit card debt as the ultimate evil, while the other considers debt a useful tool to get what you want quickly.
• One of you might play a game to see how long $5 will last in your pocket, while the other might drop $350 in an online order without batting an eyelash.
• One of you believes a car payment is something you’ll always have, but the other wouldn’t touch a car payment with a 39-and-a-half-foot pole.
• One of you might get excited about having three months of living expenses as an emergency fund, and one of you might have a “you only live once” mindset that would rather spend that cash on an overwater bungalow in Bora Bora.

Some of us are spenders, some of us are savers

People tend to generally fall into one of two groups: spenders and savers. A budget can seem scary to both groups.

The saver says, “We need a budget!”

The spender hears, “You think I’m spending too much money!”

The spender says, “Come on, ease up. Let’s go out for dinner and a movie!”

The saver hears, “I’m not fun enough, and you think fun only happens when you spend money.”

But let’s keep those assumptions in check. Spenders and savers complement each other wonderfully if they work at it a bit, and a thoughtful spending plan can make space for a fun night out—minus the guilt or uncertainty.

Spenders

Spenders tend to live more in the moment, happily spending money with little consideration. That’s what money is for, right? If you’re a spender, you may be thinking, “Hey, I work hard for my money and want to be able to buy what I want.”

Savers

Savers, on the other hand, have a hard time parting with money. They tend to think more long term. If you’re a saver, you may be thinking, “Hey, I work hard for my money and want to hang on to it.”

There’s no right or wrong here—it’s about balancing priorities. Sometimes, you do really need to save, and other times, you do really need to spend.

Finding common ground

Here’s the secret no one is telling you: a spending plan helps spenders and savers work together. If you’re the spender and video games are your thing, you can set money aside for that and spend it without guilt. If you’re the saver and you want to create a savings goal for a trip to Europe in three years, the plan can help you focus on that and stay on track.

With shared ground and a safe, productive place to talk about what you want your money to do, a spending plan gives you a place to lay out your priorities and get on the same page. Let’s be honest—we’d all probably prefer the plan that we already agreed to telling us what to do rather than our partner telling us what to do.

Every relationship is different, and it’s important that you give yourselves time to refine exactly how a spending plan will work for you. Just like your relationship is unique, the way you budget as a couple will be all your own, too. You don’t have to figure this all out from scratch. There are some tested truths that might spare you a few missteps.

You can align on your priorities

A spending plan critically helps you align your shared priorities. And budgeting is actually all about priorities.

Your first question should always be: What does this money need to do for me before more money arrives? To answer that together, you need to uncover those priorities.

You’ll see what’s possible—and what’s not

With your priorities laid out in front of you, it will become crystal clear what is possible and what is not. It will give you an honest view of your financial situation. With that information, you’ll be able to make smarter decisions.

So let’s start with the first task: identifying three sets of priorities.

When you’re managing money by yourself, there’s only one set of priorities. When you’re budgeting as a couple, though, there are three sets of priorities: yours, mine, and ours.

Making a proactive plan for your money offers the opportunity to improve your communication. There’s room for mistakes, most of which happen when you make assumptions about your priorities without taking time to fully understand them.

Assuming that my priorities are the same as our priorities can cause problems. So can assuming that my priorities are more important than our priorities. Or that your priorities will take precedence over my priorities. You’re probably a little too familiar with one of these. It can be painful.

The antidote?

Your shared spending plan and lots of money conversations.

Three sets of priorities, one pool of money

While there may be three different sets of priorities in your relationship, there’s just one pool of money. Deciding where to direct your money becomes very complex when you’re looking at only one part of that pool at a time.

When you see all your money in your shared budget, you’re making decisions together. This leaves much less room for assumptions and second-guessing. You’ll see how my priorities align with our priorities.

Two important moments can make or break a joint budget: honestly laying it all out at the start and regularly touching base on the plan.

First, you’ve got to share. Surprisingly, this can be kind of scary sometimes—even with the person you’re sharing your life with. These are your dreams, your hopes, your big life plans. You might’ve been keeping these a secret, fearing that speaking them into existence might do some irreversible damage. Take a deep breath. You got this.

When it comes to sharing finances with a partner, you don’t come empty-handed. You bring the money habits and notions about money that we covered earlier, which may be different from your partner’s. You also bring money. Or a lack thereof.

When you begin budgeting as a couple, take the time to sit down and share everything you bring to the table: the good, the bad, the ugly. Yes. Even the embarrassing stuff. This will be some of the most important time you spend together.

See a list of 84 questions to ask your partner.

You may come to the relationship with good old-fashioned money management issues, like a pile of debt, or even a pile of money (yes, that can be an issue, too). Maybe you’re working a job that doesn’t pay as well as it should, or you’ve got an impending expense like graduate school.

If your particular issue of choice involves debt, you might be tempted to minimize it. That isn’t going to work. It will only make your money issues worse in the long run.

Instead, lay it all out on the table. And keep talking. And planning. And planning and talking.

A Fool-Proof Plan: Give Every Dollar a Job

Here at YNAB, we have one fool-proof method to mastering your money and it’s simple: Give every dollar a job. Intentional spending involves making a plan for each and every dollar you have before you spend a single cent.

Good news though, the plan is flexible! If you change your mind, you can change the job for those dollars—but when you move money from your “kitchen renovation” category to your “dining out” category, you’re fully aware of the trade-off you’re making. That brings a new level of clarity that allows you to spend with confidence. 

The general concept is known as zero-based budgeting (which might be one of the most uninspiring phrases ever coined?) and if you were doing this in a non-digital world, you’d make a pile of every dollar you currently have. Then you’d take a stack of envelopes and you’d label each one with an expense or spending category and then you’d divvy those dollars up until your pile was gone and your stack was towering. 

However, most of us do not live in a non-digital world, thank goodness, because some of us could not be trusted to keep track of that many envelopes full of cash. So instead, you total up all of the money in your accounts and assign all of those dollars to various spending categories, either in YNAB or in a spreadsheet if you like playing on challenge mode, based on order of priority. 

At first, it’s easy to assign those dollars to jobs: your monthly expenses, debt payments, groceries, maybe set some aside to save for a down payment on your dream home—but as your pile of dollars shrinks, the decisions you make for them seem more critical. Then it gets a little tricky, so we came up with some questions to help simplify the process: 

What does the money I have right now need to do before I’m paid again?

Getting clear about how much money you have and what that money needs to do next helps you avoid spending more important money on less important things. 

What larger, less frequent spending do I need to prepare for?

You can create long-term stability for yourself by anticipating upcoming expenses and starting to set aside small, manageable amounts of money each month to save yourself from the emotional drama of one big bill. After all, the holidays happen every year and your car will need new tires someday.

What can I set aside for next month’s spending?

When next month’s expenses are covered, payday and due dates don’t really matter and financial emergencies become minor inconveniences. This built-in breathing room becomes a buffer that lets you put your bills on auto-pay without stress or handle an unexpected expense without going into debt. 

What goals, large or small, do I want to prioritize?

Now we’re onto the fun stuff. What do you really want in life? Ask yourself that question and then give your dollars jobs that will turn your goals into accomplishments. Who do you want to be and how can the money you have help you get there? 

What changes do I need to make, if any?

It’s not failure to follow the plan, it’s flexibility—and that’s part of the plan. There’s no such thing as a normal month and your priorities aren’t set in stone.  And that’s okay! It’s your money and your plan for it can change at any time—without guilt, stress, or second-guessing. Change your mind, move some money, and move on. 

Ideally, you’ll make these decisions together by having a discussion about upcoming expenses, the security gained by getting a month ahead, and what’s important to you, not only as a couple but also as individuals, and then making a plan that prioritizes that.

By this point, you’ve talked about your priorities, my priorities, and our priorities. You’ve shared your habits, your perceptions and expectations about money, and all the financial complications that you bring to the relationship. You’re heading into the Land of shared money management with great momentum.

How do you keep it up?

Budgeting as a couple means continuing to be clear about your priorities. And, sometimes, if you’re doing it right, your priorities will change.

A Different Type of Date Night

Look, managing your money together doesn’t have to be (and actually shouldn’t be) hard work. Remember, you’re not just budgeting as a couple, you’re planning your life together! There are perks to that, and one of them is a date night to review the plan.

At least once a month, you need to clear your schedules and sit down to make sure your money still aligns with what matters most. Successful money meeting dates take all shapes and sizes:

• The first Monday of the month, while eating Chinese food
• A written email recap of the plan with outstanding items to review on the first Saturday of the month over coffee
• A weekly Saturday session to touch base on upcoming spending and what’s left in each spending category for the week

Question prompts to get you started

A good money meeting date includes some discussion about these and other questions:

• How is your spending trending compared to what you planned? Are you getting close to using all the money you gave to a certain job?
• Did you have overspending? Where can you move money from to cover the overspending? 
• Have unexpected things come up? How could you handle them now? Could you change anything about your current plan to prepare for them in the future?
• Could you make any adjustments to next month’s plan with what you know now?
• Are there unusual events happening in the coming month that we could prepare for?
• Are you on track with your long-term goals? If not, do you need to adjust your habits or goals?
• Have any of your priorities changed? Does any part of the plan need to change to reflect that?

Keys to a successful money meeting date

Your money meeting doesn’t have to be boring. Make it a date night. Assign some money (of course) for a dinner out or a pizza in, and make that your money meeting. In the summer, find a coffee shop with WiFi, sit outside and talk about what your financial plan will be for next month. Discuss what you want or need but don’t currently have. Perhaps reflect on how much you love each other. Whatever works for you two.

Without a meeting, there’s every chance that two-thirds of your priorities (yours, mine, or ours) won’t receive enough attention. It’s not because you or your partner are selfish or manipulative. When one person handles the planning, the plan will only reflect their vision. There’s too much room for misunderstanding and for dollars to stray from your priorities. And too many opportunities to argue about it later. 

If you forget to communicate, don’t worry. It’s never too late. When you give every dollar a job, it is not written in stone. If you talk about wanting to make a change, go ahead. That built-in flexibility helps you adapt when you forgot to or didn’t have time to plan together.

And you thought budgeting as a couple wasn’t romantic. Wrong! It just doesn’t sound romantic. But planning your future together, one dollar at a time? 😍 Just you wait—this might be your favorite time together all month.

If your partner is skeptical of the whole intentional spending thing and doesn’t see the value yet, don’t give up. This is a long game. If you’d told your partner you wanted to spend the rest of your life with them when you first met, you probably would have scared them off. Quickly. Unless your life is a rom-com. In those cases, it always seems to work out.

Approach budgeting as a couple with the same strategic reserve.

Perception is everything

If you come right out with, “We need to start budgeting!” your partner may hear, “Stop spending all our money! We cannot have nice things! We can never dine out again!”

This will, in most cases, lead to some form of hard feelings, resentment, and panic. Defenses will go up. The tension will be thick and hard to navigate, making any chance of healthy communication unlikely.

Delivery is everything—if you lay it on too thick, too strong, or too fast, regardless of what smart or responsible thing you say about making a plan for your money, your partner will hear things like:

• Hey, let’s imprison ourselves financially by adding guilt to every purchase.
• I want to closely track spending and judge you for buying little treats.
• You handle money wrong, so I’m going to prove you’re the problem.
• You know how when we talk about money, we argue all the time? Well, I would like to make it a more formal time where we can make sure to really argue on a regular basis. 

So, stop talking about budgeting. Don’t even use the word.

Focus on the positive

Start with a shared goal—not even a financial goal. Pick a goal, any goal, and don’t even talk about money. You’re just slowly working it in.

If your partner wants to go somewhere on vacation, you just start talking about that vacation—really talking it up. Meanwhile, quietly put away a little bit of money each month for the trip.

At one point, you can say, “Guess what? I’ve been saving money every month for that vacation, and now we can! I’m so excited we can finally just let loose a little, have a lot of fun, and not worry about the money. We’ve got the cash. We won’t have to put a single thing on a card. No guilt. It’s going to be so great!”

Your partner may suddenly be more curious about this whole managing money thing you’ve been so excited about.

Maybe there is a big bill that surprises both of you or even caused a fight. Start setting aside money for that bill every month, perhaps secretly. You’re not hiding money from your partner, but just go about it quietly. If a similar situation arises, you can now say, “Oh yeah, no worries. I started setting aside $20 each month to make sure we’d be OK next time. We’re all good.”

You just got their attention.

Save for something they want

Instead of nagging your partner about spending, show them what planning can do, how the little things add up, and how good it feels to spend money on the things that matter most to them. Do they really want a weekend away at the beach? Create a spending category, start saving, and make it happen. Even if that’s not your top priority right now, the cost is small compared to the benefits of getting your partner on board.

Accept that there will be a learning curve for both of you. Be strategic—as you plan, know it’s a long game. Stay focused on celebrating big and small positive outcomes.

Make it easy for them—remove friction

You want to make it as easy as possible for your partner to buy in. That probably means you’re going to do most of the work. Congratulations, household Chief Financial Officer, on your newly elected post. You might love managing the plan, and that’s perfectly fine.

Some partners simply don’t enjoy the process. You don’t have to share the task equally. Focus on communication and keeping each other in the loop.

No one wants to be the budget cop

So, don’t use the B-word if it’s a trigger or a dead end. Instead, work toward creating a safe space to talk about your financial goals and how to get there. Take the time to really talk through your priorities, as individuals and as a couple, and commit to working toward those things.

No one has to be the bad guy, and it doesn’t have to be a whole new fight every time. Deciding what’s most important, committing to those things, and working together to make sure your money is headed in the right direction is key.

Instead of saying no right off the bat when they mention wanting something, suggest that you check the spending plan together to see if it’s possible. If there’s no money available right now, create a category and collaborate on ways to find extra dollars to fund it.

Keep talking

As you begin to achieve some little wins, you might find the door creeping open to more communication. Keep talking. Stay focused on the positive outcomes. Keep wrestling with your priorities, and over time, the power of the plan will be undeniable and impossible to resist

When you agree about your priorities and accept that you’re working with a finite amount of money, it makes spending decisions much more straightforward.

The YNAB Together feature makes managing money as a couple a little easier, regardless of how you choose to handle your finances or set up your spending plan. With YNAB Together, you can share your subscription with a partner (at no additional cost!) so that both of you can update, edit, or reference your household plan, or create additional plans, from separate log-ins. Whether you share a joint bank account with your partner or keep your finances separate, YNAB can be set up to accommodate different scenarios.

Here are some options to consider as you begin budgeting as a couple:

Scenario One: All accounts are shared accounts

This option for budgeting together has the fewest moving parts—it’s one single spending plan shared between partners.

Here’s the setup:

1. All your accounts feed into the same plan.
2. As paychecks roll in, you work together to give those dollars jobs.
3. When you get paid again, rinse and repeat.

We highly recommend each partner having their own “Splurge Money” or “Fun Money” category for personal expenses to keep some level of autonomy in a shared budget. We’ve seen these monthly funding amounts range anywhere from $5/month to $500+/month. It’s all up to you.

Scenario Two: All accounts are separate accounts.

In this case, you will each have a separate spending plan with separate accounts feeding each plan. Often, even with separate accounts, people share expenses. Your spending plans should mirror your real-world payments.

Meet Joe and Sue

Let’s walk through an example where both people pay 50% of the $1,200 rent. In this case, Joe gives Sue $600. Sue writes the check and pays their landlord $1,200.

1. Sue assigns money for rent.

Sue should create a rent category in her plan and assign dollars to her portion of the rent.

2. Joe assigns money for rent.

Joe should assign $600 to the rent category in his own plan.

3. Joe pays Sue.

Joe will pay Sue $600. He will record this as a $600 outflow in his plan, paid to Sue for rent.

4. Sue records Joe’s payment.‍‍

Sue will add a $600 inflow to her spending plan, paid from Joe. She will assign this money to the rent category, bringing the total amount assigned to $1,200.

5. Sue pays rent.

Finally, Sue will write the check to the landlord for $1,200, categorized to rent.

That’s what happened in the real world, so that’s what needs to be recorded in your spending plan.

Scenario Three: Some of your accounts are shared and some are separate.

There are two ways to handle this, with pros and cons to each approach. Choose the one that will work best for you.

Option A: Individual accounts feed individual spending plans, with shared accounts feeding into a shared plan.

This method requires you to have three separate spending plans in YNAB: the shared plan and two separate plans.

The shared budget should only include shared categories (groceries, utilities, rent, etc.) and shared accounts.

Each of your personal plans should only include categories and accounts specific to you as an individual.

Meet Alex and Jordan

We’ll take a look at how Alex and Jordan would structure their YNAB plans with this option. Let’s say they share the following expenses and have one shared bank account in the shared plan:

Alex pays for the following expenses, which Alex tracks in their plan:

Jordan pays for different expenses, which appear in her plan like this:

Pros

• This is the cleanest approach.
• By keeping separate plans, there’s a clear definition of what is shared and what is not.

Cons

• It can be a little more work to move money between plans.

Here’s an example to see this setup in action: Alex bought dinner, and Jordan wants to pay them back $25.

1. Jordan assigns money for eating out.

Jordan needs to assign the $25 for eating out in her individual spending plan.

2. Jordan pays Alex.

Jordan then pays Alex and records this as an outflow from her eating out category.

3. Alex records the payment.

Alex records the inflow, then assigns those dollars wherever they want. They could assign it to dining out, but if the dinner was already covered, they could use the money elsewhere in their plan.

Remember: YNAB is record-keeping software. It doesn’t move actual money. You still need to write the actual check or Venmo the money if that’s how you handle these scenarios. 

Option B: All accounts, both joint and individual, feed one single spending plan.

In this situation, individual account money separates into different category groups. Both partners add their accounts to the same plan. This is how Alex and Jordan’s YNAB plan would be structured with this option:

• Alex’s Checking Account
• Alex’s Credit Card
• Jordan’s Checking Account
• Shared Checking Account
• Shared Savings Account
• Shared Credit Card

With all accounts in the same plan, categories and category groups help to split their income up.

Shared Expenses

Categories that Alex and Jordan split like rent, utilities, food, gas, and vacation are grouped in a Shared Expenses category group.

Alex’s Expenses

Alex assigns money from their account to their category group. Alex tracks expenses like auto maintenance for their Camry, student loan payments, clothing, and fun money.

Jordan’s Expenses

Jordan assigns money from her accounts to her categories like fitness, medical expenses, and her own fun money.

Transfers

If either Alex or Jordan put money in the joint accounts, that’s a transfer on the account side. For example, Alex transfers $1000 to the shared checking account every month to cover the shared expenses.

In YNAB, they would record a transfer from the individual checking (Partner 1 Checking) to the shared account (Shared Checking). You don’t need a category since all of the accounts have already been added to the spending plan.

Pros

• Everything can be viewed from one plan.
• It’s easier to move money around.

Cons

• It’s easier to accidentally move money to the wrong place or without the other person knowing.

Regardless of your specific setup, the important thing is to find a structure that works for you in which you both feel heard, respected, and able to reach your goals.

You’re in this together. Sharing your priorities and a plan with a partner means doubling your success, rather than doubling the time and effort you spend managing it.

As a part of your money meeting, make some conscious decisions about your financial responsibilities:

• When you receive new income, will one partner be responsible for initially assigning that money, or will you sit down to do it together?
• If you overspend and need to re-prioritize, will one of you make the decision about where to move money from? Do you have a shared idea about which of your priorities might have to take a back seat when overspending happens?
• Who’s going to take care of the nuts and bolts—things like coordinating your bill payments through your bank and reconciling your accounts to make sure that your data is always accurate?

Clarity about these questions simplifies the process, which is incredibly important. Keeping it simple allows you to remain focused on what’s important, like clarifying your priorities and reaching your goals.

You’ll also be a happier, better couple. Every time you communicate about your finances, you remove an obstacle in your relationship. It’s not uncommon to have misunderstandings about money, but when you’re sharing finances, clarity on priorities and responsibilities makes them much less likely to happen.

Financial bliss, together. It’s closer than you think.

We know budgeting as a couple can be a journey, so here are some tips as you get started on yours.

Take the Lead

If they’re reluctant, don’t complain—step up. You could use it without them for a while, if necessary. While you may not make as much progress, you’ll likely make some, gaining valuable insight into your spending habits. That will be helpful during your monthly money meeting.

Show (Don’t Tell) The Power of Planning

We talked about this earlier, but it’s worth a second nod. Show them how the spending plan can get them what they want. Demonstrate how it’s not about restriction, but freedom.

Make Sure You Both Have Your Own Money

Make sure you each have money to spend on whatever you want without having to check with the other person. Talk to determine the right amount, and once you’ve done that, let it go. If they want to spend it on things you find frivolous, it doesn’t matter. It’s just another opportunity to indicate that the spending plan is not about restriction.

Make the Plan Easy to Access

If your partner is a mobile phone user, we have apps for Android and iPhone, along with Widgets, as well. Widgets are perfect if you just want someone to keep an eye on a few spending categories.

Celebrate Success

Make time to celebrate the big and small wins. Even something as small as paying all the bills on time is huge. Did you come in under your assigned amount on groceries? Huzzah! Save for that weekend at the beach. Enjoy!

Now you’re building, planning, and budgeting together. It’s a big deal! Congrats on the communication and collaboration. You’ve come this far, so let’s recap what we’ve learned.

• A spending plan simply gives you a shared look at your priorities and what you want your money to do.
• Lay out all your habits and notions around money on the table. Be honest with each other.
• You will have three sets of priorities: your priorities, their priorities, and your priorities together. Make sure all three are captured within your plan.
• Encourage a reluctant partner by getting something they value with the help of a spending plan.
• Structure your accounts and spending plan in a way that works for you. It can be shared accounts, separate accounts, or a hybrid of the two.
• You do not need to shoulder the budgeting responsibilities equally. It’s common for one partner to do the day-to-day tasks and the other to take a more hands-off role.
• Have a standing money meeting date.

Find your rhythm and experience the bliss of being on the same page with your partner when it comes to money. Goodbye, money fights!

Ready to learn more about budgeting as a couple? We’ve got everything you need to know about managing money with your honey:

• Budgeting for Couples When You Don’t Share Accounts
• Make Room For Yourself While Managing Money Together
• We Couldn’t Agree on How to Handle Money
• A Date Night That Pays Off Debt
• 84 Financial Questions to Ask Your Partner
• 5 Tips for Financial Bliss
• Can a Spender and a Saver Live in Financial Harmony?
• How We Manage Money as a Couple
• 4 Ways to Get Your Partner on Board
• Best Personal Finance Apps for Couples
• Fund Your Future Together
• Budgeting with a Partner: An Overview
• Spending Personality Quiz

Get the Money Night, Done Right worksheet

Ready for money night, done right? YNAB’s free worksheet uses a simple structure to make conversations about finances more productive and inspiring.